Two Years

This is a string of emails between one of my best friends Renee and myself when I was just finding out I was pregnant with Pearce.  Here is the back-story.  Jon and I had just bought a house in November 2008.  Shortly after, the company (e2) that Jon and my Dad started was starting to go through a hard time due to the economy and Hurricane Ike.  This resulted in Jon not receiving a salary, cutting our income in half.  So here we are in our new home, with only one income, and a positive pregnancy test.

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From: cme797@
To: reneemkelly@
Subject: It was positive!
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:20:41 -0600

Okay you’re the first to know, and I have to be honest I don’t know what to do now!  Help!!!  Since you’re still pregnant I figured you would know what I am/will go through.

Excited/Scared and waiting for some sort of response!

Charmian

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From: reneemkelly@
To: cme797@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2009 22:48:41 -0700

ohmygosh!!!!!  I'm so excited foryou!  if it weren't so late, I'd call you rightnow...  I'll try tomorrow.  :)  
 
hugs to you!!  
  
Love,

Renee M. C P

Mary Kay Consultant

719-352-
Website with Shopping:  www.marykay.com/reneeporras

Email:  reneeporras@ 

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From: cme797@
To: reneeporras@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 13:51:23 -0600

Unfortunately my phones on the fritz so you can't call me right now but I have so many questions.
 
First off my worries,  I have been spotting a tiny bit yesterday and today, did you have that, I looked it up and I found everything from it's normal to you may be losing the baby. 
 
Jon is so cute.  So I told him I may be pregnant but we had just had that scare a few months ago and I don't think he wanted to be disapointed.  Well I had my annual check up and my doctor said I wasn't pregnant (urine test and at that point my period was just due), but I really felt like I was, my boobs were really sore, heavy, and huge (which is not a PMS symptom for me.).  She called a week later to give me the results from my blood work up, I am the picture of health, but I ask if the blood test showed that I was pregnant, it was negative (at this point I am a full week late, my boobs are even bigger and still super sore.).  I tell Jon that it was negative but that I still feel like I may be pregnant.  He doesn't want to get his hopes up but we got a pregnancy test on Sunday night, I got home and took it and viola I'm pregnant.  I have another appointment with my doctor on Friday to confirm the result.  So anyway back to Jon, this week he has been so cute.  Very protective going out of his way to do things for me.  Things he hasn't done since we were dating and trying to impress me.  He's opening doors, helping me more around the house, telling me even more than normal how much he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful.  Oh and cutest of all I asked if he thought we would have a girl or a boy and he said I don't know let me ask.  So he pulled up my shirt and kept tickling me with his lips on my belly until I pulled away and said well I'll never be able to tell because you won't hold still.  Then he said well come here I need to listen to what the baby says and then he tried to blubber my belly - so cute.  Well anyway at this point I am just praying everything goes well, I guess we'll see when I go to the doctor on Friday.  
 
Oh and by the way I think it's so silly that I was two weeks pregnant at conception so weird!  

Charmian

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Renee called and when she did I had just experienced a miscarriage.  I was shaken - really upset - and a little relieved (which made me even more upset, because I felt guilty for feeling relieved.)  We talked for nearly an hour, she prayed for me, my family, and our situation and that God would bless us through this hard time.  

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From: reneeporras@
To: cme797@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:59:19 -0700

Charmian,
 
I love your story about Jon and his blubbering your belly!  It's so funny to me how men get when you're pregnant.  It's like going back into the courting stage all over again, except with all the married benefits!  :)  
 
I've been thinking about you constantly over the past day and a half.  I'm so glad you let me know the progress today.  What an emotional roller-coaster you must be on!  ...not fun at all...  I imagined some mixed emotions you may feel that I wanted to remind you would be normal:  
Well, there's the guilt you mentioned you felt at a feeling of relief at the possibility of not being pregnant during the financial crunch.  Remember that it's ok to feel relief when we are relieved of stress.  Remember that your stress was about providing for the baby because you want to be good parents, not because you don't want the baby in any way.  Remember that feeling worry if you are pregnant is totally ok too.  There is a lot to consider and plan for when a baby is coming.  Worry is normal, and it is also not associated with desiring or not desiring a child.  Same goes for stress or panic at the shock of realizing a baby is on the way.  
 
Then there's the emotion of wanting the baby.  Oh that longing that God puts in our hearts.  And the aching if it turns out you are not pregnant.  I remember when I thought I was pregnant and wasn't, I ached and felt so sad.  I was heart-broken.  I took comfort in the thought that it was God's choice for my life right then.  If you did miscarry and are not pregnant, remember that God's hand is in that as well, that He has taken the baby Home, and that He knows what is best for you and Jon right now.  He also knows the purpose for that short life.  Already the experience has served to bring you and your Mom closer, which could serve to reconcile your relationship eventually.  If the baby doesn't make it and if God's purpose in that short life was to draw you and your Mom together, and then to bring him or her immediately Home to paradise in His presence, would that be unjust or would God be any less Gracious?  I don't understand all the answers, but I do trust His will.  I also remember how the heart-brokenness I felt when I learned I wasn't pregnant prepared me for the time when I learned I was.  It helped to prepare my heart and to place my worries and stress in His hands and trust His timing and provision.  
 
Here's another conflict you might feel:  Longing for this baby and this life.  And yet anxiety about a high-risk pregnancy with lots of limitations.  If it crossed your mind to think, "if I were not pregnant but could try again soon, I might feel relief about that."  That might be followed by immediate guilt and wondering if you are somehow "bad" for not wanting this pregnancy and all it involves.  Know that this emotion also is normal and that you need not feel guilt about that thought either.  Remember that there are separate emotions:  Love for the baby is one.  Anxiety about a difficult pregnancy is another.  Don't confuse the two.  And praise God that it's not YOUR choice anyway!  It is the Lord's decision whether or not this baby is to be yours on earth or not.  It's totally in His hands.  
 
Regardless of what happens in the near future, Charmian, I know what an amazing and wonderful mother you already are!  I believe that just as the life of the baby is a life from the moment of conception, I believe we are moms and dads from the moment of conception.  And all of these experiences and emotions (which feel more like preparation than parenthood) are part of that.  As long as I have known you, you have had a huge heart for little ones.  That is a talent and blessing from the Lord, given by His Grace, and which He has prepared you for well.  
 
I love you and continue to pray for you.  We can't wait to see you and Jon soon!  
 
 
Love,
 

Renee M. C P

Mary Kay Consultant

719-352
Website with Shopping:  www.marykay.com/reneeporras
Email:  reneeporras@

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From: cme797@
To: reneeporras@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2009 13:51:23 -0600


You are so amazing and such a blessing in my life.  Thank you so much for the time you spent putting all of this down.  I will save this email forever.  Our friendship has been such a blessing to me and my only hope is that I can give you what you have given me.
 
So updates.  I have a Dr appointment at 9:00 am tomorrow morning where I will find out for sure if I am pregnant.  The results from my Dr appointment last week was that I do have the "pregnancy hormone" at levels that would indicate pregnancy however they could still be high and lowering and I could have lost the baby or they could be high and raising and I still could be pregnant, so all I know now is I still have that hormone but luckily tomorrow I will know one way or the other.  I'll give you a call and let you know.
 
Thank you again for everything.

Charmian 
 

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I had experienced a miscarriage but I was still pregnant with Pearce.  I lost one of the twins I was pregnant with.  I saw/heard Pearce's heartbeat that next day and the doctor was shocked at how early we were seeing it and how strong and steady it already was.  He was strong from the moment he entered this world fighting his way into our arms.  I am so grateful for that. 

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Renee's prayer was answered.  We had to shut down the business, rent out our house, move in with family, and lose our son.  But through all of that I can still say that we were and have been blessed.  I miss Pearce so much.  My heart still aches for him.  I still cry when I see boys loving on, helping, or playing with their moms.  I would give anything to have him here with me now but I can see how much good he has done.  I can see how he has changed my life, my outlook, my marriage, my husband, my family, and my relationships.  I am more present moment by moment because I have experienced first hand just how short life truly is.  It really does go by in a blink of an eye.  

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Pearce, Mommy loves you and misses you so much.  Thank you for all that you taught me.  I can't wait until that day when I can hold you in my arms again.  Happy Second Birthday!  I love you!


Charmian