A few minutes...

I tagged along with a friend to the park today.  It's a pretty normal park but it is completely enclosed by a tall brick fence and on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, they have toys out for the kiddos to play with.  The playground is in the grounds adjoining the orphanage and it's completely enclosed so little ones don't get lost.  Which I'm sure is helpful when you have so many kids to watch after - or one extremely fast toddler who insists on doing all the things the kids twice her age - and then some - are doing.

Alessandra was busy running around, giving hugs to strangers, and getting in roll over accidents with her bobby car (don't worry she's fine - she just has a small scrape under her left eye - but boy was the crash impressive).  I visited with my new friends the Quinns who will be leaving on Tuesday and some other English speaking parents.

Then out of nowhere I was thrown into a pretty uncomfortable place.  One I haven't been in since right after Pearce was born.

One of the Dads asked if Alessandra was my second - which caught me off guard because it seemed like a weird thing to ask.  He didn't ask if I had any other children or if Alessandra had any siblings, he asked if Alessandra was my second.  I didn't know what to say.  Mostly because I didn't want the rest of the afternoon to be about me and Pearce.  Writing that makes my stomach hurt but it's the truth.  I have a very short time with the Quinns and I didn't want to spend one of the only afternoons I'm going to have with them telling them about Pearce.  I didn't want them to feel sorry for me, I didn't want it to be weird.  So, I said "No, Alessandra's my first."

Why did I say that.

It isn't the truth.

UUUGGGHHH!

She wasn't my first, she'll never be my first.  She's my second but I didn't - no, I don't know what to say to acquaintances or strangers when they ask.  I want Pearce to count.  I want his little life to matter and today I didn't do that.  It tears my heart out that I did that, and why, because it was a little more comfortable.

Well, I was wrong.  It wasn't more comfortable.  Because it's almost two in the morning and it's still the only thing I can think of.  It just keeps playing over and over again in my head.

"No, Alessandra's my first."

"No, Alessandra's my first."

"No, Alessandra's my first."

Next time I'll tell the truth.  Even if it is a little bit uncomfortable for a minute because in all actuality it probably would have only been a few minutes that we talk about my sweet boy.  A few minutes to remember how much he blessed us.  A few minutes...

Pearce - I'm sorry I didn't give you a few minutes.  You deserved the entire afternoon, and next time I'll remember that.