Wednesday, April 21, 2010

9 weeks

Well I know no one is reading this yet because frankly I haven't told anyone yet. But I want to share my thoughts and feelings with the abyss because frankly I can't - no, I don't want to hold them in any longer.


This may seem like the best news in the world but for me it comes with a bit of apprehension.

Pearce - my son, my angel baby, my stone of joy - came and left this earth WAY to quickly. He was diagnosed with Anencephaly, a neural tube defect(NTD) that effects the brain and cranium. When I was this far along with him all I knew was that everything was perfect. The doctors were amazed at how early we were able to see the heartbeat and how strong and steady it was. Because of some other complications I was able to get a lot of ultrasounds and I was able to see my little one take shape and turn from a little flicker to my son.

When I was about 14 weeks pregnant I had a routine check up with some blood work up. Jon and I left for a week long trip to Germany and while we were gone the results from the test came back - we had a 1 in 10 chance of having a child with a NTD. When we made it back to the states my doctor called me to explain the test results and said "it's probably nothing, if anything your baby has spina bifida and will just need a few stitches at birth and will be fine, if it was anything serious we would have seen it already"...

Little did I know that the next few days would change my life completely, make me question and contemplate things that I've never even thought of before.

That was then - and that is why I'm scared now.

I'm sure you want to know the rest of the story and God knows I want to tell it, and I want everyone to hear it but I can't right now because I'm worried for my little one who has a strong and steady heartbeat and that's making me so queezy I can hardly stand it.

If there is someone out there in the abyss that comes accross this post please say a little prayer for me...and Jon...and Pearce...and our new little one.

Thank you!

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