I tagged along with a friend to the park today. It's a pretty normal park but it is completely enclosed by a tall brick fence and on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, they have toys out for the kiddos to play with. The playground is in the grounds adjoining the orphanage and it's completely enclosed so little ones don't get lost. Which I'm sure is helpful when you have so many kids to watch after - or one extremely fast toddler who insists on doing all the things the kids twice her age - and then some - are doing.
Alessandra was busy running around, giving hugs to strangers, and getting in roll over accidents with her bobby car (don't worry she's fine - she just has a small scrape under her left eye - but boy was the crash impressive). I visited with my new friends the Quinns who will be leaving on Tuesday and some other English speaking parents.
Then out of nowhere I was thrown into a pretty uncomfortable place. One I haven't been in since right after Pearce was born.
One of the Dads asked if Alessandra was my second - which caught me off guard because it seemed like a weird thing to ask. He didn't ask if I had any other children or if Alessandra had any siblings, he asked if Alessandra was my second. I didn't know what to say. Mostly because I didn't want the rest of the afternoon to be about me and Pearce. Writing that makes my stomach hurt but it's the truth. I have a very short time with the Quinns and I didn't want to spend one of the only afternoons I'm going to have with them telling them about Pearce. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me, I didn't want it to be weird. So, I said "No, Alessandra's my first."
Why did I say that.
It isn't the truth.
UUUGGGHHH!
She wasn't my first, she'll never be my first. She's my second but I didn't - no, I don't know what to say to acquaintances or strangers when they ask. I want Pearce to count. I want his little life to matter and today I didn't do that. It tears my heart out that I did that, and why, because it was a little more comfortable.
Well, I was wrong. It wasn't more comfortable. Because it's almost two in the morning and it's still the only thing I can think of. It just keeps playing over and over again in my head.
"No, Alessandra's my first."
"No, Alessandra's my first."
"No, Alessandra's my first."
Next time I'll tell the truth. Even if it is a little bit uncomfortable for a minute because in all actuality it probably would have only been a few minutes that we talk about my sweet boy. A few minutes to remember how much he blessed us. A few minutes...
Pearce - I'm sorry I didn't give you a few minutes. You deserved the entire afternoon, and next time I'll remember that.
Showing posts with label NTD's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NTD's. Show all posts
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Two and a Half...
It's sleeting outside. Not quite rain, not quite snow.
I'm cold but I don't want to turn up the heaters. I'll just through another blanket on the bed.
I can't sleep.
I'm feeling really empty right now.
I want to blame it on Jon for being away but I know it's not because of him.
Two and a half already. It's only been two and a half?
It feels like a lifetime ago.
I don't feel like it's okay for me to talk about him as much as I used to so I keep it in.
But, I still miss my sweet Pearce, my angle baby, my Stone of Joy.
I should be sleeping.
It's just too cold.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Two Years
This is a string of emails between one of my best friends Renee and myself when I was just finding out I was pregnant with Pearce. Here is the back-story. Jon and I had just bought a house in November 2008. Shortly after, the company (e2) that Jon and my Dad started was starting to go through a hard time due to the economy and Hurricane Ike. This resulted in Jon not receiving a salary, cutting our income in half. So here we are in our new home, with only one income, and a positive pregnancy test.
From: cme797@
To: reneemkelly@
Subject: It was positive!
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2009 15:20:41 -0600
Okay you’re the first to know, and I have to be honest I don’t know what to do now! Help!!! Since you’re still pregnant I figured you would know what I am/will go through.
Excited/Scared and waiting for some sort of response!
Charmian
From: reneemkelly@
To: cme797@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Tue, 10 Feb 2009 22:48:41 -0700
ohmygosh!!!!! I'm so excited foryou! if it weren't so late, I'd call you rightnow... I'll try tomorrow. :)
hugs to you!!
Love,
Renee M. C P
Mary Kay Consultant
719-352-
Website with Shopping: www.marykay.com/reneeporras
Website with Shopping: www.marykay.com/reneeporras
Email: reneeporras@
To: reneeporras@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 13:51:23 -0600
Unfortunately my phones on the fritz so you can't call me right now but I have so many questions.
First off my worries, I have been spotting a tiny bit yesterday and today, did you have that, I looked it up and I found everything from it's normal to you may be losing the baby.
Jon is so cute. So I told him I may be pregnant but we had just had that scare a few months ago and I don't think he wanted to be disapointed. Well I had my annual check up and my doctor said I wasn't pregnant (urine test and at that point my period was just due), but I really felt like I was, my boobs were really sore, heavy, and huge (which is not a PMS symptom for me.). She called a week later to give me the results from my blood work up, I am the picture of health, but I ask if the blood test showed that I was pregnant, it was negative (at this point I am a full week late, my boobs are even bigger and still super sore.). I tell Jon that it was negative but that I still feel like I may be pregnant. He doesn't want to get his hopes up but we got a pregnancy test on Sunday night, I got home and took it and viola I'm pregnant. I have another appointment with my doctor on Friday to confirm the result. So anyway back to Jon, this week he has been so cute. Very protective going out of his way to do things for me. Things he hasn't done since we were dating and trying to impress me. He's opening doors, helping me more around the house, telling me even more than normal how much he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. Oh and cutest of all I asked if he thought we would have a girl or a boy and he said I don't know let me ask. So he pulled up my shirt and kept tickling me with his lips on my belly until I pulled away and said well I'll never be able to tell because you won't hold still. Then he said well come here I need to listen to what the baby says and then he tried to blubber my belly - so cute. Well anyway at this point I am just praying everything goes well, I guess we'll see when I go to the doctor on Friday.
Oh and by the way I think it's so silly that I was two weeks pregnant at conception so weird!
Charmian
Renee called and when she did I had just experienced a miscarriage. I was shaken - really upset - and a little relieved (which made me even more upset, because I felt guilty for feeling relieved.) We talked for nearly an hour, she prayed for me, my family, and our situation and that God would bless us through this hard time.
From: reneeporras@
To: cme797@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:59:19 -0700
Charmian,
I love your story about Jon and his blubbering your belly! It's so funny to me how men get when you're pregnant. It's like going back into the courting stage all over again, except with all the married benefits! :)
I've been thinking about you constantly over the past day and a half. I'm so glad you let me know the progress today. What an emotional roller-coaster you must be on! ...not fun at all... I imagined some mixed emotions you may feel that I wanted to remind you would be normal:
Well, there's the guilt you mentioned you felt at a feeling of relief at the possibility of not being pregnant during the financial crunch. Remember that it's ok to feel relief when we are relieved of stress. Remember that your stress was about providing for the baby because you want to be good parents, not because you don't want the baby in any way. Remember that feeling worry if you are pregnant is totally ok too. There is a lot to consider and plan for when a baby is coming. Worry is normal, and it is also not associated with desiring or not desiring a child. Same goes for stress or panic at the shock of realizing a baby is on the way.
Then there's the emotion of wanting the baby. Oh that longing that God puts in our hearts. And the aching if it turns out you are not pregnant. I remember when I thought I was pregnant and wasn't, I ached and felt so sad. I was heart-broken. I took comfort in the thought that it was God's choice for my life right then. If you did miscarry and are not pregnant, remember that God's hand is in that as well, that He has taken the baby Home, and that He knows what is best for you and Jon right now. He also knows the purpose for that short life. Already the experience has served to bring you and your Mom closer, which could serve to reconcile your relationship eventually. If the baby doesn't make it and if God's purpose in that short life was to draw you and your Mom together, and then to bring him or her immediately Home to paradise in His presence, would that be unjust or would God be any less Gracious? I don't understand all the answers, but I do trust His will. I also remember how the heart-brokenness I felt when I learned I wasn't pregnant prepared me for the time when I learned I was. It helped to prepare my heart and to place my worries and stress in His hands and trust His timing and provision.
Here's another conflict you might feel: Longing for this baby and this life. And yet anxiety about a high-risk pregnancy with lots of limitations. If it crossed your mind to think, "if I were not pregnant but could try again soon, I might feel relief about that." That might be followed by immediate guilt and wondering if you are somehow "bad" for not wanting this pregnancy and all it involves. Know that this emotion also is normal and that you need not feel guilt about that thought either. Remember that there are separate emotions: Love for the baby is one. Anxiety about a difficult pregnancy is another. Don't confuse the two. And praise God that it's not YOUR choice anyway! It is the Lord's decision whether or not this baby is to be yours on earth or not. It's totally in His hands.
Regardless of what happens in the near future, Charmian, I know what an amazing and wonderful mother you already are! I believe that just as the life of the baby is a life from the moment of conception, I believe we are moms and dads from the moment of conception. And all of these experiences and emotions (which feel more like preparation than parenthood) are part of that. As long as I have known you, you have had a huge heart for little ones. That is a talent and blessing from the Lord, given by His Grace, and which He has prepared you for well.
I love you and continue to pray for you. We can't wait to see you and Jon soon!
Love,
To: cme797@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:59:19 -0700
Charmian,
I love your story about Jon and his blubbering your belly! It's so funny to me how men get when you're pregnant. It's like going back into the courting stage all over again, except with all the married benefits! :)
I've been thinking about you constantly over the past day and a half. I'm so glad you let me know the progress today. What an emotional roller-coaster you must be on! ...not fun at all... I imagined some mixed emotions you may feel that I wanted to remind you would be normal:
Well, there's the guilt you mentioned you felt at a feeling of relief at the possibility of not being pregnant during the financial crunch. Remember that it's ok to feel relief when we are relieved of stress. Remember that your stress was about providing for the baby because you want to be good parents, not because you don't want the baby in any way. Remember that feeling worry if you are pregnant is totally ok too. There is a lot to consider and plan for when a baby is coming. Worry is normal, and it is also not associated with desiring or not desiring a child. Same goes for stress or panic at the shock of realizing a baby is on the way.
Then there's the emotion of wanting the baby. Oh that longing that God puts in our hearts. And the aching if it turns out you are not pregnant. I remember when I thought I was pregnant and wasn't, I ached and felt so sad. I was heart-broken. I took comfort in the thought that it was God's choice for my life right then. If you did miscarry and are not pregnant, remember that God's hand is in that as well, that He has taken the baby Home, and that He knows what is best for you and Jon right now. He also knows the purpose for that short life. Already the experience has served to bring you and your Mom closer, which could serve to reconcile your relationship eventually. If the baby doesn't make it and if God's purpose in that short life was to draw you and your Mom together, and then to bring him or her immediately Home to paradise in His presence, would that be unjust or would God be any less Gracious? I don't understand all the answers, but I do trust His will. I also remember how the heart-brokenness I felt when I learned I wasn't pregnant prepared me for the time when I learned I was. It helped to prepare my heart and to place my worries and stress in His hands and trust His timing and provision.
Here's another conflict you might feel: Longing for this baby and this life. And yet anxiety about a high-risk pregnancy with lots of limitations. If it crossed your mind to think, "if I were not pregnant but could try again soon, I might feel relief about that." That might be followed by immediate guilt and wondering if you are somehow "bad" for not wanting this pregnancy and all it involves. Know that this emotion also is normal and that you need not feel guilt about that thought either. Remember that there are separate emotions: Love for the baby is one. Anxiety about a difficult pregnancy is another. Don't confuse the two. And praise God that it's not YOUR choice anyway! It is the Lord's decision whether or not this baby is to be yours on earth or not. It's totally in His hands.
Regardless of what happens in the near future, Charmian, I know what an amazing and wonderful mother you already are! I believe that just as the life of the baby is a life from the moment of conception, I believe we are moms and dads from the moment of conception. And all of these experiences and emotions (which feel more like preparation than parenthood) are part of that. As long as I have known you, you have had a huge heart for little ones. That is a talent and blessing from the Lord, given by His Grace, and which He has prepared you for well.
I love you and continue to pray for you. We can't wait to see you and Jon soon!
Love,
Renee M. C P
Mary Kay Consultant
719-352
Website with Shopping: www.marykay.com/reneeporras
Email: reneeporras@
Website with Shopping: www.marykay.com/reneeporras
Email: reneeporras@
From: cme797@
To: reneeporras@
Subject: RE: It was positive!
Date: Tue, 17 Feb 2009 13:51:23 -0600
You are so amazing and such a blessing in my life. Thank you so much for the time you spent putting all of this down. I will save this email forever. Our friendship has been such a blessing to me and my only hope is that I can give you what you have given me.
So updates. I have a Dr appointment at 9:00 am tomorrow morning where I will find out for sure if I am pregnant. The results from my Dr appointment last week was that I do have the "pregnancy hormone" at levels that would indicate pregnancy however they could still be high and lowering and I could have lost the baby or they could be high and raising and I still could be pregnant, so all I know now is I still have that hormone but luckily tomorrow I will know one way or the other. I'll give you a call and let you know.
Thank you again for everything.
Charmian
I had experienced a miscarriage but I was still pregnant with Pearce. I lost one of the twins I was pregnant with. I saw/heard Pearce's heartbeat that next day and the doctor was shocked at how early we were seeing it and how strong and steady it already was. He was strong from the moment he entered this world fighting his way into our arms. I am so grateful for that.
Pearce, Mommy loves you and misses you so much. Thank you for all that you taught me. I can't wait until that day when I can hold you in my arms again. Happy Second Birthday! I love you!
Charmian
Renee's prayer was answered. We had to shut down the business, rent out our house, move in with family, and lose our son. But through all of that I can still say that we were and have been blessed. I miss Pearce so much. My heart still aches for him. I still cry when I see boys loving on, helping, or playing with their moms. I would give anything to have him here with me now but I can see how much good he has done. I can see how he has changed my life, my outlook, my marriage, my husband, my family, and my relationships. I am more present moment by moment because I have experienced first hand just how short life truly is. It really does go by in a blink of an eye.
Pearce, Mommy loves you and misses you so much. Thank you for all that you taught me. I can't wait until that day when I can hold you in my arms again. Happy Second Birthday! I love you!
Charmian
Monday, March 7, 2011
1:26 - 1:37 A.M.
For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom. When I was small I made sure to always take my Flintstones vitamin and eat my vegetables so I could make big, strong babies. I stopped drinking pop (a.k.a. soda or coke) when I was in junior high because I read that ingredients in pop prevent calcium absorption in the body. I figured I needed a lot of calcium so I could be healthy when I got pregnant and I was still pre-pubescent. The only job I had until after I was married was in childcare, I decided it was better to "practice"with other peoples kids then on my own. First I was a babysitter, then I worked as a teacher in daycares, and finally I worked as a nanny. My major in college was even early childhood development. I had read all of the books and I knew exactly what kind of mom I wanted to be.
Then it finally happened, I was pregnant. Everything I had prepared for was finally coming to fruition. I was a mom (yes, I felt like a mom from the moment I woke up with big sore boobs and I saw those two little pink lines). I read up on all of the new parenting techniques and trends. I knew exactly what baby products I wanted and how to use them and I wasn’t even in my second trimester yet.
Then the world came crashing down around me and everything changed. My baby had anencephaly and wasn’t going to make it. I was told by my doctor that the only choice I had was to terminate the pregnancy. Terminate the pregnancy!?! This wasn’t just a time of life, an unfortunate circumstance to eliminate and move past. This was my baby, the one I had planned and prepared for my entire life. I couldn’t do it, but Jon was scared, and honestly so was I. The doctor had painted a pretty grim picture for me if I was to carry Pearce to term. Without saying these exact words she gave me my choices – my life or the life of my baby that will not be able to live outside the womb.
We got a second opinion.
Pearce was born and showed me how short life is.
I changed a lot in those 11 minutes.
Just like every firstborn, he taught me a lot about being a parent. I don’t know if I would appreciate motherhood as much as I do if it wasn't for Pearce. He taught me to slow down, take it all in. Give one more kiss, one more snuggle, one more story, one more dance because you don’t know how long you have. It could be seconds, decades, or like me – just a handful of minutes.
Charmian
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Baby's Big 20 week Appointment
Although we already had the great news that the baby did not have anencephaly we had to wait until our big 20 week ultrasound to find out if everything else was okay.
Which it is - YEAH!!
So the big news from the appointment...
Jon and I are having a little...
...baby!
Yeah, that's it. We still don't want to know the sex. Even though we didn't want to know, it didn't stop Jon from trying to peak during the ultrasound. As we're walking out of the appointment he says
"So, I think I saw some franks and beans... well other times it looked like a giant vulva. I think we're either having a boy or a girl."
Wheh!!! Good news! :o)
Wheh!!! Good news! :o)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Pearce's B-Day...Part III
Pearce Wynston
July 13, 2009
1:26 – 1:37 a.m.
1 lb 5.4 oz
10.5”
Methodist Willowbrook Hospital
Houston, TX
After Jon and I had some time with Pearce the nurse went out in the waiting room to get our parents and the nilmdts photographers. Hugs and tears were shared all around and Pearce was quickly passed from one anxious grandparent to the next. After about an hour the nurses and doctor kicked everyone out but Jon, Pearce, and one photographer.
(Pearce with Oma)
(Pearce with M&M)
(Pearce with Grandmommy)
Jon was able to grab a few minutes of rest before they started working on me again. Our awesome nurse started getting everything prepped and against her strict instructions I was still attempting to assist her in moving my 2,000,000 pound lower half around. Well I guess my body had just the right amount of time for the drug to wear off because out of the blue when I was trying to assist her in lifting my leg my reflexes shot to life causing my foot to fly up and smack her across the face – and hard – so hard in fact that I left a foot print on her cheek. My hands flew to my mouth as apologies were flying out, I felt so bad. The nurse didn’t miss a beat; she raised her fist and shook it right in my direction and said “Girl, if I didn’t like you so much I’d take you out back and finish this. Now stop trying to help me move your legs.” I bashfully apologized a few more times and then razzed her that she was just lucky I was half paralyzed.
She finally finished getting me prepped and my legs in the stirrups when I noticed the doctor was putting on a head to toe outfit, including booties and a splash shield. I teased her saying “You’re not going to climb in there are you?” she responded “It’s going to feel like it.” Jon laughed from his chair in the corner while I lay there wishing I hadn’t said anything. The doctor then explained that because Pearce was so early and small that when he came out the placenta didn’t dislodge like it normally does. So she was going to try and do it by hand. I began to appreciate my decision to get the epidural a little bit more when she was explaining what she was going to do.
The doctor took a step forward, staring at my nether region, and began shouting at the nurse “Stool, Stool!” I instantly sat up in the bed and said “Are you kidding me, I’m pooping right now – Man I really can’t feel a thing”. Everyone in the room, but me, nearly fell to the floor they were laughing so hard and the doctor finally said “No you’re not pooping! Should I have said, something to sit on something to sit on?” Shoot, once again my obsession with my bodily functions struck! Now everyone, including me, was rolling with laughter. After we all settled down, she got back to work.
This next part will be better described by Jon – so here he is to tell this part of the tale.
Well, the doctor sure did climb in there! I don't think you want all of the grisly details, so I'll just paraphrase. Imagine a melon baller the size of a shovel working on a grape.....Charmy thought it felt good. I could make a penis reference, but I will refrain!
Nevertheless, the wrestling match lasted longer than looked comfortable, and ultimately the doc won. It wasn't a clean victory, more akin to gladiatorial battle at the Roman Colosseum, but at least everything was sterile and dust free. Oh yeah, no swords were used, only the melon baller hand of the doctor.
Charmy, you should have been grateful that it was the arm of a woman. I think the smaller the better in this instance!
I don’t know if I would have told it that way but I gave him the reins so there it is. :o)
Anyway, once they were done and they had me cleaned up and changed all the grandparents came back in. While they were waiting one of them found the hospital Chaplin who came in and prayed over Pearce and said some beautiful things to our family. We continued to talk, laugh, hug, and cry until early morning when we decided it was time to say goodbye to Pearce. We all gave him one last snuggle and said one last prayer and sent him on his way. It was so wonderful to have those few hours to see his tiny hands and feet, to hold him close and whisper in his ear even though he was already with his Heavenly Father.
It definitely wasn't what we had planned, but like I said before it was His plan and it was perfect.
We would like to give a big thank you to all of the wonderful staff at The Methodist Willowbrook Hospital in Houston Texas. Thank you for making this very difficult time a time where our family could come together and rejoice in the life of our son, our Stone of Joy! Your care and compassion will never be forgotten.
Jon & Charmian
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Pearce's B-Day...Part II
They finally moved us to our own room where 3 nurses and 1 anesthesiologist continued to use me as a living, breathing pin cushion. I did my very best not to punch anyone even when they poked and prodded my feet trying to find a good vein. Oh yeah, the foot was Jon's idea. I think his exact words were, "She's a dancer and has huge veins on her feet. You should be able to find a vein there!" Thanks Honey!
Part of the issue they were having was that I was extremely dehydrated so my veins were collapsing. Being so dehydrated could have been part of the cause of the pre-term labor. After too many attempts, too many puncture wounds and too many failures , the anesthesiologist performed an arterial to start my IV. Finally success!
Once the drip was running they put in my epidural. Unfortunately the epidural was a little too effective and I was paralyzed from the nipples down. I have always wanted to have a "sans drug" delivery but in this case the epidural was supposed to accomplish two things: 1) slow down my labor so the moms would have time to make it to Houston, and 2) eliminate the trauma of delivery to make things easy on me and also to have no pain associated with an already painful situation. Two strange side effects of my paralysis were a new obsession with my bodily functions (yes I would drink water and wonder how long before it would run out into the catheter bag) and a fear that my 2,000,000 pound legs would pull me off the bed and onto the floor. It thoroughly amused the nurses to see Jon continually tuck and re-tuck my legs when they would rotate from parallel to turned out hour after hour.
The moms finally landed and my brother was able to pick them up and bring them to the hospital. At this point I had been in the hospital for 7 hours and had progressed an astounding half cm! After not progressing at all I shot from 4cms to 8cms in about 45 minutes. I think I was waiting for the moms to get there before I would relax into labor. Of course those 45 minutes were while Jon was running home to get our other car for the moms and to pick up anything we may need/want for our hospital stay. Jon was only a block from the house when I called to tell him and Oma (Jon's mom) how quickly I was progressing. Oma nearly ripped the steering wheel out of his hands to get him turned around and headed back my way.
When he finally did make it back he came in and gave me a kiss. As he was moving past my bedside we heard a splash and I screeched "Did you just spill my pee bag?" The mom's instantly crouched down to look at the floor but no pee was to be found. Jon and all of his great wisdom said "I think that was your water breaking.". Sure enough he was right. The nurses quickly came in and changed my sheets and after they were finished they decided to see how I was progressing.
As soon as the nurse lifted the blankets she yelled "Everyone out, everyone out now!" I looked at her and asked if everything was okay and she whispered "Pearce is here!" I was the one yelling now "Everyone get out now!" The mom's left the room leaving only Jon, the nurse and me.
At this point, no doctor was yet in the room. Our nurse was a champ, she finished delivering Pearce. All Jon and I wanted was time with our son. I was trying so hard to see Pearce but the nurse kept pushing me back because when I tried to sit up I was rolling forward almost on top of him. I asked if he made it and the nurse said, "no I'm sorry he didn't". My heart shattered. The nurse no longer had to force me, I lay back in the bed and began to cry.
When I finally leaned back it gave Jon a clear view of Pearce and that's when he saw it. Pearce's strong little heart, the one that we were able to see so early in the pregnancy, was pounding through his chest showing his Daddy that he was still with us. Jon said to the nurse "I think he's alive" She told us she was sorry but no he hadn't made it, but Jon insisted saying "No, look his heart is beating!" She got out her stethoscope and said "Get me the clamps now, he's still alive." The assistant ran over with the clamps and he was finally separated from me so I could see and hold him.
We were told that Pearce most likely wouldn't make it to term but if he did he probably wouldn't be able to make it through delivery. The doctors also told us that if he was born alive he probably wouldn't be able hear or see. All Jon and I wanted was time with our boy, all we prayed for was 5 minutes. Well Pearce had other plans he came early and because he was so early he was tiny and was able to make it through delivery without any force or strain.
He didn't just make it through delivery he gave us 11 minutes here on earth. When I was finally able to hold him I whispered in his ear "Pearce, Mommy loves you" and then this little boy who wasn't supposed to be able to hear opened his eyes. I brushed his cheek and gave him a kiss and he looked up into my face.
Part of the issue they were having was that I was extremely dehydrated so my veins were collapsing. Being so dehydrated could have been part of the cause of the pre-term labor. After too many attempts, too many puncture wounds and too many failures , the anesthesiologist performed an arterial to start my IV. Finally success!
Once the drip was running they put in my epidural. Unfortunately the epidural was a little too effective and I was paralyzed from the nipples down. I have always wanted to have a "sans drug" delivery but in this case the epidural was supposed to accomplish two things: 1) slow down my labor so the moms would have time to make it to Houston, and 2) eliminate the trauma of delivery to make things easy on me and also to have no pain associated with an already painful situation. Two strange side effects of my paralysis were a new obsession with my bodily functions (yes I would drink water and wonder how long before it would run out into the catheter bag) and a fear that my 2,000,000 pound legs would pull me off the bed and onto the floor. It thoroughly amused the nurses to see Jon continually tuck and re-tuck my legs when they would rotate from parallel to turned out hour after hour.
The moms finally landed and my brother was able to pick them up and bring them to the hospital. At this point I had been in the hospital for 7 hours and had progressed an astounding half cm! After not progressing at all I shot from 4cms to 8cms in about 45 minutes. I think I was waiting for the moms to get there before I would relax into labor. Of course those 45 minutes were while Jon was running home to get our other car for the moms and to pick up anything we may need/want for our hospital stay. Jon was only a block from the house when I called to tell him and Oma (Jon's mom) how quickly I was progressing. Oma nearly ripped the steering wheel out of his hands to get him turned around and headed back my way.
When he finally did make it back he came in and gave me a kiss. As he was moving past my bedside we heard a splash and I screeched "Did you just spill my pee bag?" The mom's instantly crouched down to look at the floor but no pee was to be found. Jon and all of his great wisdom said "I think that was your water breaking.". Sure enough he was right. The nurses quickly came in and changed my sheets and after they were finished they decided to see how I was progressing.
As soon as the nurse lifted the blankets she yelled "Everyone out, everyone out now!" I looked at her and asked if everything was okay and she whispered "Pearce is here!" I was the one yelling now "Everyone get out now!" The mom's left the room leaving only Jon, the nurse and me.
At this point, no doctor was yet in the room. Our nurse was a champ, she finished delivering Pearce. All Jon and I wanted was time with our son. I was trying so hard to see Pearce but the nurse kept pushing me back because when I tried to sit up I was rolling forward almost on top of him. I asked if he made it and the nurse said, "no I'm sorry he didn't". My heart shattered. The nurse no longer had to force me, I lay back in the bed and began to cry.
When I finally leaned back it gave Jon a clear view of Pearce and that's when he saw it. Pearce's strong little heart, the one that we were able to see so early in the pregnancy, was pounding through his chest showing his Daddy that he was still with us. Jon said to the nurse "I think he's alive" She told us she was sorry but no he hadn't made it, but Jon insisted saying "No, look his heart is beating!" She got out her stethoscope and said "Get me the clamps now, he's still alive." The assistant ran over with the clamps and he was finally separated from me so I could see and hold him.
We were told that Pearce most likely wouldn't make it to term but if he did he probably wouldn't be able to make it through delivery. The doctors also told us that if he was born alive he probably wouldn't be able hear or see. All Jon and I wanted was time with our boy, all we prayed for was 5 minutes. Well Pearce had other plans he came early and because he was so early he was tiny and was able to make it through delivery without any force or strain.
He didn't just make it through delivery he gave us 11 minutes here on earth. When I was finally able to hold him I whispered in his ear "Pearce, Mommy loves you" and then this little boy who wasn't supposed to be able to hear opened his eyes. I brushed his cheek and gave him a kiss and he looked up into my face.
What a gift.
What an angel!
Happy Birthday Pearce,
Mommy and Daddy love you!!
A special thank you to our nilmdts photographer. Thank you for documenting our sons life.
Pearce's B-Day...Part I
It’s amazing how sometimes the emotions associated with the loss of a loved one can slowly sneak up on you while other times it hits you like a 2 x 4 across the back of your head.
I’m missing my boy a lot lately, that’s to be expected I guess because one year ago today I was in labor with him. Pearce, my Stone of Joy, made his grand debut at only 27 weeks. Way too early if you ask me but he came in his own time and thank God he did.
Jon and I have a funny way of moving through life. We plan, life happens, and very seldom do the two things line up the way we thought they should.
So the plan:
1. Drive to CO mid-July (Pearce was due in October) to make sure Pearce is born in Colorado with the amazing doctor that our friend Renee introduced us to.
2. Work from CO remotely until Pearce comes.
3. Have baby
4. Return to TX
What life brought:
It was going to be a beautiful day in Galveston (which if you’ve ever been in South Texas in July you already know how miraculous this story is) so myself, Jon, and our friend Y-at decided to head to the beach. We found a beautiful spot and started the normal cycle of cooling off in the water and warming up on the beach.
I was feeling a little off but didn’t think anything of it. After a fun and pretty uneventful day I let the boys know that I was starving and they needed to feed me STAT! So we made our way to Papasito’s for some delicious fajitas and margaritas. Okay, I only had a bean burrito and Shirley Temple but still it was delicious! We finally got in, placed our order, and began to eat but I could hardly get anything down, I was still feeling off. After playing with my food for a while we finally finished our meal and called it a night. I slept just fine but I woke up still feeling a bit off with a mild bellyache. Jon of course told me to call the doctor right away but I assured him that I was just having Braxton Hicks contractions. Jon with his unbelievable Googling abilities looked up how to get rid of Braxton Hicks contractions. We spent the next few hours following Google to a tee:
Even with all of my efforts my off-ness and bellyache continued. Jon finally put his foot down and made me call the doctor. They of course told me to go into the hospital right away.
There was a really nice hospital just down the road from us so we headed that way. We walked in and asked for Maternity. They said that they didn't have a maternity ward and to go to another hospital in the area (now what kind of hospital sends away a lady in pre-term labor – well I guess this one does – and it eventually turned out that we were glad they did). The hospital they referred us to was built in the 70’s and I’m not sure they’ve replaced the carpet since the place was built, yeah that’s right a hospital with carpet EEEWWW! Well Jon refused to take me there – this was one of those times I was so glad he was my husband. Instead of the Dirty Shag Carpet Hospital he took me to The Methodist Hospital .
We got checked in and they put me in triage to see if I was really in labor or I was faking it. I guess they assumed I was not really in labor because I walked in and told them in a calm voice that my doctor told me to head to the hospital because he thought I may have been in pre-term labor. Before anything started I told the nurse the whole story about Pearce and how he had been diagnosed with anencephaly. They had me change out of my clothes so they could check me and I was 3.5cms dilated and completely effaced. The nurse said “Sure enough you’re in labor it’s a good thing you came in.” I lost it. I wasn’t ready, this was not a part of the plan. It was too early but it was happening and I couldn’t stop it.
They then told me that they had to perform another ultrasound to verify whether Pearce really did have anencephaly. If he didn’t it would change how the doctor would want to respond to the pre-term labor. I can tell you Jon and I have never prayed harder for a miracle than in those few minutes before the ultrasound technician came to do the confirmation. She came through the door and applied the jelly and began the scan and sure enough he had anencephaly. This may sound crazy but in that moment it was almost as if I was hearing his diagnosis for the first time. It ripped my heart out. But something else unexpected happened, in that moment, a calm came over me and I realized this wasn’t my plan this was His and everything was going to be okay.
Jon was doing a lot of work behind the scenes getting the parents informed, the girls taken care of and our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (nilmdts) photographer lined up. My mom and Jon’s mom we’re able to get the last two seats on the last two flights to Houston that night. Everything was falling into place.
To be continued...
I’m missing my boy a lot lately, that’s to be expected I guess because one year ago today I was in labor with him. Pearce, my Stone of Joy, made his grand debut at only 27 weeks. Way too early if you ask me but he came in his own time and thank God he did.
Jon and I have a funny way of moving through life. We plan, life happens, and very seldom do the two things line up the way we thought they should.
So the plan:
1. Drive to CO mid-July (Pearce was due in October) to make sure Pearce is born in Colorado with the amazing doctor that our friend Renee introduced us to.
2. Work from CO remotely until Pearce comes.
3. Have baby
4. Return to TX
What life brought:
It was going to be a beautiful day in Galveston (which if you’ve ever been in South Texas in July you already know how miraculous this story is) so myself, Jon, and our friend Y-at decided to head to the beach. We found a beautiful spot and started the normal cycle of cooling off in the water and warming up on the beach.
I was feeling a little off but didn’t think anything of it. After a fun and pretty uneventful day I let the boys know that I was starving and they needed to feed me STAT! So we made our way to Papasito’s for some delicious fajitas and margaritas. Okay, I only had a bean burrito and Shirley Temple but still it was delicious! We finally got in, placed our order, and began to eat but I could hardly get anything down, I was still feeling off. After playing with my food for a while we finally finished our meal and called it a night. I slept just fine but I woke up still feeling a bit off with a mild bellyache. Jon of course told me to call the doctor right away but I assured him that I was just having Braxton Hicks contractions. Jon with his unbelievable Googling abilities looked up how to get rid of Braxton Hicks contractions. We spent the next few hours following Google to a tee:
Drink plenty of water – check
Walk around – check
Lay down – check
Take a shower – check
Even with all of my efforts my off-ness and bellyache continued. Jon finally put his foot down and made me call the doctor. They of course told me to go into the hospital right away.
There was a really nice hospital just down the road from us so we headed that way. We walked in and asked for Maternity. They said that they didn't have a maternity ward and to go to another hospital in the area (now what kind of hospital sends away a lady in pre-term labor – well I guess this one does – and it eventually turned out that we were glad they did). The hospital they referred us to was built in the 70’s and I’m not sure they’ve replaced the carpet since the place was built, yeah that’s right a hospital with carpet EEEWWW! Well Jon refused to take me there – this was one of those times I was so glad he was my husband. Instead of the Dirty Shag Carpet Hospital he took me to The Methodist Hospital .
We got checked in and they put me in triage to see if I was really in labor or I was faking it. I guess they assumed I was not really in labor because I walked in and told them in a calm voice that my doctor told me to head to the hospital because he thought I may have been in pre-term labor. Before anything started I told the nurse the whole story about Pearce and how he had been diagnosed with anencephaly. They had me change out of my clothes so they could check me and I was 3.5cms dilated and completely effaced. The nurse said “Sure enough you’re in labor it’s a good thing you came in.” I lost it. I wasn’t ready, this was not a part of the plan. It was too early but it was happening and I couldn’t stop it.
They then told me that they had to perform another ultrasound to verify whether Pearce really did have anencephaly. If he didn’t it would change how the doctor would want to respond to the pre-term labor. I can tell you Jon and I have never prayed harder for a miracle than in those few minutes before the ultrasound technician came to do the confirmation. She came through the door and applied the jelly and began the scan and sure enough he had anencephaly. This may sound crazy but in that moment it was almost as if I was hearing his diagnosis for the first time. It ripped my heart out. But something else unexpected happened, in that moment, a calm came over me and I realized this wasn’t my plan this was His and everything was going to be okay.
Jon was doing a lot of work behind the scenes getting the parents informed, the girls taken care of and our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (nilmdts) photographer lined up. My mom and Jon’s mom we’re able to get the last two seats on the last two flights to Houston that night. Everything was falling into place.
To be continued...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
9 weeks
Well I know no one is reading this yet because frankly I haven't told anyone yet. But I want to share my thoughts and feelings with the abyss because frankly I can't - no, I don't want to hold them in any longer.
This may seem like the best news in the world but for me it comes with a bit of apprehension.
Pearce - my son, my angel baby, my stone of joy - came and left this earth WAY to quickly. He was diagnosed with Anencephaly, a neural tube defect(NTD) that effects the brain and cranium. When I was this far along with him all I knew was that everything was perfect. The doctors were amazed at how early we were able to see the heartbeat and how strong and steady it was. Because of some other complications I was able to get a lot of ultrasounds and I was able to see my little one take shape and turn from a little flicker to my son.
When I was about 14 weeks pregnant I had a routine check up with some blood work up. Jon and I left for a week long trip to Germany and while we were gone the results from the test came back - we had a 1 in 10 chance of having a child with a NTD. When we made it back to the states my doctor called me to explain the test results and said "it's probably nothing, if anything your baby has spina bifida and will just need a few stitches at birth and will be fine, if it was anything serious we would have seen it already"...
Little did I know that the next few days would change my life completely, make me question and contemplate things that I've never even thought of before.
That was then - and that is why I'm scared now.
I'm sure you want to know the rest of the story and God knows I want to tell it, and I want everyone to hear it but I can't right now because I'm worried for my little one who has a strong and steady heartbeat and that's making me so queezy I can hardly stand it.
If there is someone out there in the abyss that comes accross this post please say a little prayer for me...and Jon...and Pearce...and our new little one.
Thank you!
I'M PREGNANT!!!
This may seem like the best news in the world but for me it comes with a bit of apprehension.
Pearce - my son, my angel baby, my stone of joy - came and left this earth WAY to quickly. He was diagnosed with Anencephaly, a neural tube defect(NTD) that effects the brain and cranium. When I was this far along with him all I knew was that everything was perfect. The doctors were amazed at how early we were able to see the heartbeat and how strong and steady it was. Because of some other complications I was able to get a lot of ultrasounds and I was able to see my little one take shape and turn from a little flicker to my son.
When I was about 14 weeks pregnant I had a routine check up with some blood work up. Jon and I left for a week long trip to Germany and while we were gone the results from the test came back - we had a 1 in 10 chance of having a child with a NTD. When we made it back to the states my doctor called me to explain the test results and said "it's probably nothing, if anything your baby has spina bifida and will just need a few stitches at birth and will be fine, if it was anything serious we would have seen it already"...
Little did I know that the next few days would change my life completely, make me question and contemplate things that I've never even thought of before.
That was then - and that is why I'm scared now.
I'm sure you want to know the rest of the story and God knows I want to tell it, and I want everyone to hear it but I can't right now because I'm worried for my little one who has a strong and steady heartbeat and that's making me so queezy I can hardly stand it.
If there is someone out there in the abyss that comes accross this post please say a little prayer for me...and Jon...and Pearce...and our new little one.
Thank you!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Hammer Time
Hi guys,
Pregnancy Week 10:
Think you’re a handyman?
Your baby is about the size
of the head of a hammer.
Think you’re a handyman?
Your baby is about the size
of the head of a hammer.
Love you all!
Charmian
For even more fun baby pix and information go to this hilarious blog about fatherhood.
Monday, March 16, 2009
P Update! Week 10
Good afternoon Ladies,
Happy week 10! Here is my weekly P update. We are ¼ of the way through the pregnancy, Jon had a moment of realization this morning. He came over to me while I was getting ready for work and rubbed my belly and said, “I’m freaking out. This is really happening, we’re a ¼ of the way there already.” I have to be honest, I totally feel the same way. We almost had the guestroom set up and now we have to start thinking about turning it into a nursery. Crazy!!!
Well this week’s size is definitely one I’ve become familiar with – a prune. My doctor really wants me to be as regular as possible and to not have to work too hard on the pot so she suggested that I eat prunes as a snack before bed – I know, I know TMI.
Although prunes are generally wrinkly and shapeless little P isn’t. P’s really starting to look like a baby with bones forming, tiny little nails on the fingers and toes (no more webbing – unless P get’s toes like mine :o) and even some peach fuzz is starting to grow on its fair skin. P’s arms can flex and bend even though they are only as big as this 1. And although Jon and I don’t want to know if P’s a boy or a girl – the reproductive organs are now starting to form. P's swallowing fluid and kicking up a storm. Vital organs — including kidneys, intestines, brain, and liver (now making red blood cells in place of the “fat little yolk sac”) — are in place and starting to function.
I have to be honest, I feel so lucky, in general I’ve had it pretty easy. My queasiness is pretty much gone and I haven’t had any uncontrollable cravings yet. With the bleeding completely stopped for almost 2 weeks now my energy has been way higher but I definitely like getting to bed on time or early. My clothes all though a little snug are still fitting but I haven’t started my walks like I wanted. Hopefully I’ll get into that routine sooner than later. The one big change is crying at commercials, any commercial, even dryer sheet ads will do it. Jon is so wonderful, he’ll just pat my leg and quietly giggle. I think Dot knows that something’s up, she’s been spending a lot of time cuddling me, (she’s always been a daddy’s girl) her new favorite place to lay is on my chest all snuggled in.
Well that’s it for my first double digit update. 30 more to go – Can you believe it! EEEEHHHHH!!!!!!
Charmian
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
P Update! Week 9
Hi to all my lovely ladies,
è is now 1 inch long and about this big.
So to celebrate I think all of you non-prego girls of mine should have yourself a martini, and while you’re sipping on your beverage check out just how big our little one is getting. :o)
Our little è’s head is straightening out and all of the facial features are becoming much more prominent. è’s insides have been busy too with a new liver, spleen, and gallbladder forming.
So here’s my update. I’m doing well, Wednesday will mark the 1 week – no bleeding mark. Yeah!!! As Jon says “I think you’re really pregnant now” he’s so cute! So thank you for all of the prayers, but if you can keep me in them a little while longer I’d really appreciate it. With the bleeding stopped my energy has sky rocketed. Now I’m itching to go for a run – but don’t worry I won’t. I may however start walking for exercise soon.
I have noticed when I go more than 2-3 hours without eating a little something I get queasy so I’ve been having about 3 meals and 3 small snacks a day and my nausea has been so much better, I’m thinking the queasiness was when my blood sugar dropped too low or maybe it’s because I’m pregnant :o) EEEEHHHH!!!!
I haven’t gained any weight but my body is a totally different shape. Every day when I get dressed I have to get more and more creative. I may have to go out and buy a belly band sooner than I was hoping (it looks like a t-shirt but is super stretchy so you can leave your pants and skirts unzipped and the belly band holds them up). I wanted to make it to 12 weeks before I started growing out of my clothes, but nobody asked me what I wanted it’s all just happening.
Well that’s it for me this week, look for my double digit è update next week.
Love you all!
Here is your weekly è update.
Well our little one is officially 9 weeks old which means it’s officially a fetus. è is now 1 inch long and about this big.
So to celebrate I think all of you non-prego girls of mine should have yourself a martini, and while you’re sipping on your beverage check out just how big our little one is getting. :o)
So here’s my update. I’m doing well, Wednesday will mark the 1 week – no bleeding mark. Yeah!!! As Jon says “I think you’re really pregnant now” he’s so cute! So thank you for all of the prayers, but if you can keep me in them a little while longer I’d really appreciate it. With the bleeding stopped my energy has sky rocketed. Now I’m itching to go for a run – but don’t worry I won’t. I may however start walking for exercise soon.
I have noticed when I go more than 2-3 hours without eating a little something I get queasy so I’ve been having about 3 meals and 3 small snacks a day and my nausea has been so much better, I’m thinking the queasiness was when my blood sugar dropped too low or maybe it’s because I’m pregnant :o) EEEEHHHH!!!!
I haven’t gained any weight but my body is a totally different shape. Every day when I get dressed I have to get more and more creative. I may have to go out and buy a belly band sooner than I was hoping (it looks like a t-shirt but is super stretchy so you can leave your pants and skirts unzipped and the belly band holds them up). I wanted to make it to 12 weeks before I started growing out of my clothes, but nobody asked me what I wanted it’s all just happening.
Well that’s it for me this week, look for my double digit è update next week.
Love you all!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Losing your Marbles?
Hi Dad, Uncle Jeremy, Grandpa M, Grandpa S, and Grandpa D,
Here is your weekly update on how big I’m getting.
Pregnancy Week 9:
Losing your marbles? I feel for you buddy.
Your baby is now the size of one.
Losing your marbles? I feel for you buddy.
Your baby is now the size of one.
Love,
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
P Update! Week 8
Hi My Lovely Ladies.
If you were wondering what the parasites was looking like it may be because this week it’s nose, lips, and eyelids are forming – will it look more like me, Jon, be the perfect mix, or end up with all of our bad traits? – I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
It’s about the size of a raspberry and moving it’s little arms and legs like mad. It still has webbed fingers and toes but what would you expect a parasite to look like?
 |
You might be wondering how I’m doing. Well today, although tired, I have had more energy, little nausea pretty constantly all day, and very little bleeding (so hopefully that is coming to an end, keep your fingers crossed)
Well that’s all for me I’ll send you another update next Monday.
Love you all, it was so nice seeing you over the weekend.
Talk to you soon!
Charmian
For even more fun baby pix and information go to Baby Zone, The Bump, and Baby Center.
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