Saturday, April 21, 2012

A few minutes...

I tagged along with a friend to the park today.  It's a pretty normal park but it is completely enclosed by a tall brick fence and on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, they have toys out for the kiddos to play with.  The playground is in the grounds adjoining the orphanage and it's completely enclosed so little ones don't get lost.  Which I'm sure is helpful when you have so many kids to watch after - or one extremely fast toddler who insists on doing all the things the kids twice her age - and then some - are doing.

Alessandra was busy running around, giving hugs to strangers, and getting in roll over accidents with her bobby car (don't worry she's fine - she just has a small scrape under her left eye - but boy was the crash impressive).  I visited with my new friends the Quinns who will be leaving on Tuesday and some other English speaking parents.

Then out of nowhere I was thrown into a pretty uncomfortable place.  One I haven't been in since right after Pearce was born.

One of the Dads asked if Alessandra was my second - which caught me off guard because it seemed like a weird thing to ask.  He didn't ask if I had any other children or if Alessandra had any siblings, he asked if Alessandra was my second.  I didn't know what to say.  Mostly because I didn't want the rest of the afternoon to be about me and Pearce.  Writing that makes my stomach hurt but it's the truth.  I have a very short time with the Quinns and I didn't want to spend one of the only afternoons I'm going to have with them telling them about Pearce.  I didn't want them to feel sorry for me, I didn't want it to be weird.  So, I said "No, Alessandra's my first."

Why did I say that.

It isn't the truth.


She wasn't my first, she'll never be my first.  She's my second but I didn't - no, I don't know what to say to acquaintances or strangers when they ask.  I want Pearce to count.  I want his little life to matter and today I didn't do that.  It tears my heart out that I did that, and why, because it was a little more comfortable.

Well, I was wrong.  It wasn't more comfortable.  Because it's almost two in the morning and it's still the only thing I can think of.  It just keeps playing over and over again in my head.

"No, Alessandra's my first."

"No, Alessandra's my first."

"No, Alessandra's my first."

Next time I'll tell the truth.  Even if it is a little bit uncomfortable for a minute because in all actuality it probably would have only been a few minutes that we talk about my sweet boy.  A few minutes to remember how much he blessed us.  A few minutes...

Pearce - I'm sorry I didn't give you a few minutes.  You deserved the entire afternoon, and next time I'll remember that.


  1. Megan Handel21/4/12 5:05 AM

    Love you!!!

  2. Lisa Kriederman22/4/12 4:43 PM

    Oh my love, I'm sure that was a very difficult position, thanks for sharing and I wish I could be there to give you the biggest hug!  Your reasons are very justified though, and I'm sure everyone understands. I'm sure that situations occurs so often but it never gets easier.
    All my love,

  3. Jamie Thompson23/4/12 3:59 AM

    You have the most wonderful heart!!  That is your story, and he is your little angel, and you get decide who to share that with :)

  4. Charmian,

    People often ask clumsy, unfiltered questions at inappropriate times, perhaps not knowing or considering what door may be opened by asking. You do not have own tides of guilt, just because Random Playground Dad blurts out a presumptuous question. He doesn't need to know particulars, and you are not - in ANY universe - obligated to divulge your personal experiences or private information. Jamie is right, you draw the line in the sand, and doing so doesn't mean that you are not honoring your baby or his memory properly. You share with the people you choose, when you are ready. Don't let random, spontaneous and blunt questions throw you out of your groove! You are just fine.


  5. Okay, after re-reading my own comment, it sounds like a really bossy lecture! AAUUGH! It wasn't supposed to be, damn it. I just wanted to defend the little guy (in this case - you) and say that you are lovely, and some people are clods. Maybe they don't mean to be, but... they ARE. Take care, mama, and see you soon, ja? 

  6. Cheryl West25/4/12 3:42 AM

    My heart broke reading this post Charmian.  I felt the sadness you must have been feeling at 2 in the morning.  I just wanted to reiterate what has already been said that you are a beautiful person and don't you forget it!

  7. Swiffersabe30/4/12 11:49 PM

    Thinking of you and of Pierce.  Love you!

  8. Thank you for having the courage to share this story as I'm sure it took a great deal of GUTS to do so. XOXOXOXO 

  9. Christina Tracey6/5/12 5:00 AM

    I am sure it took more than a few min. to write your thoughts down, times that by all the min. it took all of us to read them= a huge tribute to Pearce and the most loving Mommy I know! you are wonderful and I miss you! xoxoxo

  10. I have just spent the last hour or so reading your story. It broke my heart to read this post.  I experienced a miscarriage while holding twins.  I ended up having another two sets of twins after that miscarriage. I like your honesty in your posts. Thank you for sharing your story.

  11. Thank you so much for stopping by Stone of Joy.  I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.  As far as the honesty goes, I truly feel if more of us mamas were more open about our emotions and feelings after experiencing the loss of a child it would help others come forward and share their stories too.  Before we know it we would have a community of women who could travel through the ups and downs of loss together.  

  12. Thank you Stina - I miss you too and I can't wait to see you again - soon (hopefully)!

  13. Thank you Cheryl - I think you're pretty wonderful too.  

    Miss you much!