Show on school shooting led to thoughts about Columbine High School, which led to me thinking about High School Cliques, which then led to my own experience in High School and how exactly I fit in. Which finally led to this...
I was a senior in high school and it was time to pick our partner to walk with at graduation. I looked around and realized I didn't have anyone. I made it to the end of my formative years without one really good friend. I ended up walking with my boyfriends best friend. He didn't want to do it but didn't know how to tell me no. So instead, he said yes and then pretended to have a mouth full of water for the entire graduation so that I wouldn't talk to him - or rather he wouldn't have to talk back to me (true story). I remember feeling so lonely and honestly lonely is a feeling I'm quite familiar with.
I've done a really good job of either ruining great friendships, being burned by my best buds, or not putting the time and energy into a relationship to keep them going. I think now that I'm getting older I'm learning how to be a better friend but I am still not an easy person to like. (Now those of you who love me will think I'm crazy for saying this, but it's true. The fact is you've just learned to love me in spite of my faults.) I am vivacious and some (probably most) would say to a fault. I have always been up for an adventure and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Which makes me a bit scattered and emotional. I do everything big, I get excited and can't control my enthusiasm and pep. Even Jon when first meeting me said "What's wrong with her, is she always that happy?" For whatever reason I have a hard time keeping cool when I get pumped and I have an even harder time hiding my emotions. If I'm feeling it, you're seeing it.
So the combination of; me getting nervous/excited when I'm meeting someone for the first time, a personality that makes it hard to like me upon first meeting, and being out of my comfort zone (living in a foreign land with people who don't speak my language), has made it difficult for me to make friends. But luckily I've been here before. I've been lonely before. I've been without a good friend to talk to during graduation. I know I'll make it through, I know eventually the people I keep bumping into here will learn to love me just like all of you have. I'll learn more German and get more accustomed to how they do things here and before I know it I'll have friends.
Or that's at least what I'm going to keep telling myself.