Tuesday, March 20, 2012


I saw a show about a school shooting the other day and it got me thinking - which for me is kind of convoluted so let me walk you through my thought process.

Show on school shooting led to thoughts about Columbine High School, which led to me thinking about High School Cliques, which then led to my own experience in High School and how exactly I fit in.  Which finally led to this...

I was a senior in high school and it was time to pick our partner to walk with at graduation.  I looked around and realized I didn't have anyone.  I made it to the end of my formative years without one really good friend.  I ended up walking with my boyfriends best friend.  He didn't want to do it but didn't know how to tell me no.  So instead, he said yes and then pretended to have a mouth full of water for the entire graduation so that I wouldn't talk to him - or rather he wouldn't have to talk back to me (true story).  I remember feeling so lonely and honestly lonely is a feeling I'm quite familiar with.  

I've done a really good job of either ruining great friendships, being burned by my best buds, or not putting the time and energy into a relationship to keep them going.  I think now that I'm getting older I'm learning how to be a better friend but I am still not an easy person to like. (Now those of you who love me will think I'm crazy for saying this, but it's true.  The fact is you've just learned to love me in spite of my faults.)  I am vivacious and some (probably most) would say to a fault.  I have always been up for an adventure and tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.  Which makes me a bit scattered and emotional.  I do everything big, I get excited and can't control my enthusiasm and pep. Even Jon when first meeting me said "What's wrong with her, is she always that happy?"  For whatever reason I have a hard time keeping cool when I get pumped and I have an even harder time hiding my emotions.  If I'm feeling it, you're seeing it.

So the combination of; me getting nervous/excited when I'm meeting someone for the first time, a personality that makes it hard to like me upon first meeting, and being out of my comfort zone (living in a foreign land with people who don't speak my language), has made it difficult for me to make friends.  But luckily I've been here before.  I've been lonely before.  I've been without a good friend to talk to during graduation.  I know I'll make it through, I know eventually the people I keep bumping into here will learn to love me just like all of you have.  I'll learn more German and get more accustomed to how they do things here and before I know it I'll have friends.

Or that's at least what I'm going to keep telling myself.



  1. This makes me want to cry! I miss you so much! Love you tons Charmian!!

  2. I miss you too - and maybe after reading this you'll have a little bit better of an understanding of how much.  I love you Heather and thank you for putting up with me for all of these years.  ;o) 

  3. Just know that your 3rd floor co-fire warden misses you!! I dont believe a word you wrote as that was not the Charmian I met!! Miss you!!  D

  4. First, I'm sorry I didn't walk with you at Graduation- I wish I did. I don't even remember who I walked with. Second, we are going through very similar things right now. You have it much tougher I'm afraid though with the language barrier (even though no R's is confusing ;)). It is super hard for me to put myself out there too but we will make new friends and figure out the cliques- or maybe just make our own cliques. I thinks it's at least a little easier with kids to meet people. Wish we were in it together but you can always talk to me if you need someone.  Thinking of you...

  5. Derek - it is the Charmian you met it's just when you meet people just as fiery and spirited you don't noticed it as much.  ;o)
    I do believe the reason I was brought back to Jones was so I could meet you. I miss "working" with you so much.  Hope you and the wife and kiddos are all doing well.  Hugs to you my dear friend!!

  6. Reagan, 

    I've told you once and I'll tell you again.  One of my biggest regrets from high school was letting you slip away.  I am so glad that we've reconnected now, especially when we're both going through these similar situations.  

    I hope the adjustments are getting a little smoother and your heart is getting a little more settled.  I miss you and I hope we'll both find our way to CO at the same time this summer.  

  7. Wow, I sure love you, miss typo, and can somehow totally relate. :) {{hugs}}